The problem with beauty is you have to feel it.
I have this fear
That one day I will be all alone
And the people I love the most
Will have moved on with their lives.
I have this fear that someday
I will look in the mirror
And see everything I loved about myself
Gone with age, replaced with hopelessness
And bitterness with a life lived
Unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
I have a fear that my legacy will be
Nothing but a whisper
A longing of being part of something bigger
But never having an inkling
On how achieve it.
I have a fear that my fears
Are the reason I am in this mindset,
But I am stuck because
I don’t know how to not be afraid .
It’s hard to let go of a dream
Especially if it’s too good to come true.
But living in the dream world
Never satisfied anyone
Because in chasing the life of dreams
They forgot to live the real ones.
Just for today
I locked my insecurities
In a safety box
And hid the key in my
Iron clad, impenetrable.
For today I decided
I am amazing
And guess what
I have yet
To be contradicted.
So I have decided to make changes in my life and I have decided these changes have nothing to do with you. Why? Because if they did then I would have to deal with bigger things than changing my tiny leather couch which forces me to lie in a bent position or moving the hanging bookcase from atop my bed so as to avoid gravity’s ire. These are rational changes stemming from a desire to better one’s standard of living not from an irrational fear of potential embarrassment that you will see my sparsely decorated pad and judge. These are not the decisions of a woman who has found out you are coming back in town. They truly are not. And if you have-in the off-chance- heard I have renewed my gym membership AND began to hum in the office, that’s not about you either okay? I never canceled my membership to begin with… I just thought it’s time I start going again, AND the humming is inconsequential as it IS the holidays. It’s got nothing to do with you. Also, haven’t you been going to the gym all this time to, in someway, illicit a reaction from me? Were you not annoyed last time when I didn’t react? So there. At least this mess is making us healthier and helping to make better life choices. Cheers to silver linings.
In Denial and Renovating
Lately I feel like I am in a bubble
One that I created by myself
And I don’t know why.
What am I running from?
Who am I punishing?
Why am I putting myself in situations
Where I feel less than?
Why am I isolating myself to a point
Of no return, letting go of relationships
I hold dear and then hating myself for it
What’s with the stupid punishment?
Let’s take an oath to love ourselves,
The way the people around us do
Because if you and I can’t love ourselves
All that’s in the world is time passing by
And us waiting for the day
When time starts to slow
And we regret all the time we spent putting ourselves down
While we should have been bring ourselves up.
You know, no one ever tells you
that losing control is hard work,
It’s not something you can just do
Because the results can be catastrophic.
Losing control takes a certain skill
To know when it’s okay to let go
Without fucking up your entire life.
But see, that’s not really losing control
When you premeditate WHEN to lose it.
My sister always tells me to loosen up, live a little,
To loosen the bridle once in a while.
To her I ask:
Woman, when is this ‘while’ you speak of?
And where can I find it?
If I find it and don’t stumble across it,
Does it still count as letting go?
Since I went seeking for it?
Does going ape shit count as losing control?
WHAT IS ‘LOSING CONTROL’?!
Like I said losing control is hard work,
(Partially probably because I don’t know what it MEANS exactly)
Even my self control, which has been putting in 24 hours a day
Everyday- religiously, thinks so.