Ode to the Cicada

Yesterday I heard this cicada,

Chirping away as cicadas do,

But instead of outside my home

It was inside

Making a hullabaloo.

It would chirp

And then stop

I would move my eyes up

And then drop

Searching for this cicada.

For a minute I thought

I must have gone crazy

I searched for a while

But as I am lazy

I let the matter drop.

But still this cicada

Kept going.

Chirping and chirping away

Until I somehow

found it

And lead it astray.

And then,

I am sorry to say

I killed it.

Smothered it

Before it could chirp again.

And then,

It was all quiet.

Damn, now I feel bad .





Light Me a Flame

Today I found the lighter

That stupid little thing

You loved so much

But left behind

Like most things in your life.

I was trying to light a candle

And I needed a spark…

A lighter to light a candle

Seems logical.

But I forgot

That your lighter

Is much like you.


But I digress.

Today I flipped

The lighter open

And it fizzled,

Like our relationship.

So now I am sitting

In the dark

Holding a candle, unlit

Your lighter

It screwed me over .

Like its owner

How ironic .




You Little Shit

Dear little shit
-Scratch that-
You little shit.

You make me sick
With your actions,
You are a tick
Sucking up my joy.

You suck so much
I can’t stand it
Even when society
Demands it
I want to throw you out
Like a useless toy.

You little shit
I have figured you out
You look out for none
But your own.
You are toxic
I can’t help it
Even when society
Demands it,
I want to chuck you
Like a stone.

I want to throw you
Into the river
Deep, deep into the river
So deep
That you will
Be the rivers to keep.
Good riddance.



If you are going to fly out of the chicken coop, you will definitely ruffle some feathers. But hear not the feathers that are ruffled!  Hear the cluck cluck of approval that ensues from those who know and believe in you. Eventually the feather ruffling will stop…or they will fall off from all that constant movement. It’s not like you will be there to hear it anyways, you coop flyer you.


PSA: Amoraphobia

Increased life expectancy is a founding father of the epidemic known as “amoraphobia”. Amoraphobia*, a word I just invented, is a disease currently gripping “first-world” countries and leading to symptoms such as increased rates of casual hookups, breaking out into hives at the mention of relationships and rapid popularization of dating apps such as the highly controversial Tinder. Although this epidemic is mostly widespread amongst teenagers and adults in their 20s, recent research involving my friends circle show the beginning effects of the epidemic on older age groups.  No cure has been discovered thus far, yet this concerned citizen believes that if everyone would just wear their big boy/girl pants and learn to deal with reality, there may be hope out there that someday we will all be rid of the rampant amoraphobia.

*Unless you are googling this and urban dictionary  or some other random person stakes claim. In such a case, I retract my statement and give credit to whichever shady website claims to have coined the word.


Excerpt#20: It’s Steak Season

She mentally cursed Chase for what seemed the thousandth time that evening. As she did another rep on “The Mermaid” (otherwise known as the 45 Degree Back Hypertension for all you workout buffs), she came back up to find the trainer quickly look away to avoid eye contact. She sighed. This had been going on through the last hour and became increasingly awkward by the second. Screw you Chase, she thought as she went down for another rep, holding the 10 lbs as an anchor to her increasing annoyance.

It really was Chase’s fault. If he had switched gyms with her, she wouldn’t have signed up for a free promotional training session and if she hadn’t had the training session, she wouldn’t have been in this awkward position of having declined future sessions because she was essentially poor. Poor as in either food or training session-at this point-poor. Although, if she gave up food it might actually help her cause and help her trim down. She paused as she came up to contemplate the thought, then scrapped it as the steak dinner Ray promised to prepare for them tonight made a mental appearance. Going back down, she hoped he would like her mashed potatoes and garlic bread. Yum.

The mental fog of food lust dissipated as she came up to find another trainer staring at her. Great, the two trainers were probably best friends and had speculated on her “poor-ness”. Especially since she had stupidly mentioned to her trainer about her 2 jobs. Well, you try paying for art school supplies and then tell me how much you save. They were probably thinking she was a liar and her butt was too small. Gah.

If she really thought about it, she was probably the one being weird. Being strapped obviously sucked and she did not like explaining to people why she couldn’t do things. That made her bitchy and cranky. She decided not to think about it. She came to the gym to de-stress not think.

She finished her exercise and then went to the locker room to change. She got ready and slinked out of the gym, relieved to have missed the trainers on her way out. Her phone rang as she stepped out. A text from Ray popped up on her screen telling her he was half an hour away. With thoughts of food and her favorite guy filling her mind yet again, she blissfully walked home to take a shower.

Back at the gym as the two trainers finished with their clients, they stopped to chat. 

“So?” Tom gestured at the Back Hypertension machine.

“Nah, she says she can’t afford it.”

“Ah, well, at least her form wasn’t too off. She probably won’t injure anything terribly left to her own devices.”

“That’s what I was thinking.”

“Was she giving you a weird stare?”

“Yeah, you too? I thought I was imagining it.”

“Nah, she was. Probably on that time of the month.”

“You’re probably right. Women get crazy with that shit.”

“Ohhh yeah.”


Excerpt#19: Chase Takes One for the Seals

So it looks like I peed on myself…just a fair warning.” Chase said over the phone.

“DID you pee on yourself?” She quipped.

“What the fuck? No, these dratted kids…”

“Wait! What? Kids peed on you? Not one, but collectively? What the hell?! How did that happen?”

“No, no, they didn’t pee on me. Hold up and let me finish the story first. Jesus.”

“Carry on.”

“So I got on the ferry half an hour ago with a cup of tea in my hands and saw a group of kids annoying the shit out of their mother. She looked so hassled. So I sat far, far away glad I didn’t have to deal with it. I kept an eye out though since kids are like ninjas and pop out of nowhere.”

“Okay so rowdy kids, got it. I don’t see how tea soaked pants come into play.”

“I am getting there woman!”

“Carry on.”

“So I am about to get off the ferry with quarter of the tea finished and BAM! the kids all crash into me and spill it all over my pants and bag.”

“Hahaha. That’s what you get for drinking tea and not coffee. Coffee for the win!”

“You’re such a kid. Well anyway, now everyone is looking at me like I peed on myself. I can FEEL the judgement.”

“Well you should tell them they wouldn’t be judging you if they knew what valiant act led to the pant wetting.”

“Uhh…getting trampled by unruly kids and an unfortunate cup of tea?”

“No that makes you sound wimpy. Say you saved a baby seal and got your pants wet in the process. Everyone loves a baby seal rescue.”

“Just my pants? Not my top? What seal was I rescuing and how so that it only wet my bottom half?”

“Seriously? I don’t know.  You have a brain, use it. I came up with the idea, you make it work.”

“As always.”

“Shut up.”

“I see you.” He said, grinning at her from across the road as they waited for the light to turn green.

“Me too…my, my…maybe we should say a humongous seal instead of a baby one. The kids sure did a number on your pants.”

“Hanging up now.”

“Sure thang, sweet pea.”

“Oh no! Not the puns. Make them stop!”