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Incapicitated

I have this fear

That one day I will be all alone

And the people I love the most

Will have moved on with their lives.

I have this fear that someday

I will look in the mirror

And see everything I loved about myself

Gone with age, replaced with hopelessness

And bitterness with a life lived

Unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

I have a fear that my legacy will be

Nothing but a whisper

A longing of being part of something bigger

But never having an inkling

On how achieve it.

I have a fear that my fears

Are the reason I am in this mindset,

But I am stuck because

I don’t know how to not be afraid .

 

 

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This Is Ape Shit

You know, no one ever tells you

that losing control is hard work,

It’s not something you can just do

Because the results can be catastrophic.

Losing control takes a certain skill

To know when it’s okay to let go

Without fucking up your entire life.

But see, that’s not really losing control

When you premeditate WHEN to lose it.

My sister always tells me to loosen up, live a little,

To loosen the bridle once in a while.

To her I ask:

Woman, when is this ‘while’ you speak of?

And where can I find it?

If I find it and don’t stumble across it,

Does it still count as letting go?

Since I went seeking for it?

Does going ape shit count as losing control?

WHAT IS ‘LOSING CONTROL’?!

Like I said losing control is hard work,

(Partially probably because I don’t know what it MEANS exactly)

Even my self control, which has been putting in 24 hours a day

Everyday- religiously, thinks so.