Filter and control are marvelous things that can make you lost in your own mind like no other.
Introspection on what I have thus far written has recently made me realize how filtered all my writings are, how fluffy. Even in madness, I need to find a beauty, a rhyme, a metaphor that makes all the ugly go away and only touches the monstrous rearing head of those negative feelings that lie beneath the surface. An old friend once told me you’re too controlled, your writing is like you: beautiful, witty but guarded-avoiding what really bugs you, afraid to let people know the side of you that’s not always sunshine and roses, to let them see there’s a human behind the smiling imp. A human that feels things probably more than most. I didn’t understand him then but now I do. Life IS gritty and while we can control emotions we can’t control our situations or avoid them forever.
And sometimes we can’t control our situations OR our emotions. But it’s always a scary thing, trying to open up and feel, trying not to avoid, trying to let people know you feel so intensely because it takes away a power. A lonely power that eats at you, but a power nonetheless. Honestly, if anyone’s reading this, there is no end to this rant-no summation that ties my thoughts up in a nice bow- it’s an errant collection of thought accumulating to a bunch of sentences I write here. Mostly because right now my thoughts are all over the place, some metamorphosing as I write.
At this point, I don’t know how to go from here from fluffy to reality but acknowledgement is the first step right?
So I have decided to make changes in my life and I have decided these changes have nothing to do with you. Why? Because if they did then I would have to deal with bigger things than changing my tiny leather couch which forces me to lie in a bent position or moving the hanging bookcase from atop my bed so as to avoid gravity’s ire. These are rational changes stemming from a desire to better one’s standard of living not from an irrational fear of potential embarrassment that you will see my sparsely decorated pad and judge. These are not the decisions of a woman who has found out you are coming back in town. They truly are not. And if you have-in the off-chance- heard I have renewed my gym membership AND began to hum in the office, that’s not about you either okay? I never canceled my membership to begin with… I just thought it’s time I start going again, AND the humming is inconsequential as it IS the holidays. It’s got nothing to do with you. Also, haven’t you been going to the gym all this time to, in someway, illicit a reaction from me? Were you not annoyed last time when I didn’t react? So there. At least this mess is making us healthier and helping to make better life choices. Cheers to silver linings.
In Denial and Renovating
Lately I feel like I am in a bubble
One that I created by myself
And I don’t know why.
What am I running from?
Who am I punishing?
Why am I putting myself in situations
Where I feel less than?
Why am I isolating myself to a point
Of no return, letting go of relationships
I hold dear and then hating myself for it
What’s with the stupid punishment?
Let’s take an oath to love ourselves,
The way the people around us do
Because if you and I can’t love ourselves
All that’s in the world is time passing by
And us waiting for the day
When time starts to slow
And we regret all the time we spent putting ourselves down
While we should have been bring ourselves up.
I sought control of happiness, over at the piers by the river of life, all I found was a loneliness, tinged with uncertainty and a handful of strife. I gave up my perceptions of what it all should be, thought it would keep the confusion at bay, for a moment I thought I was happier, but then the fleeting bird of happiness went away.
Wise eyes mean nothing
If in a moment your immaturity shines through.
You talk a great talk and walk a great walk
But bring you something serious
And there lies the panic, painfully plain,
All the polish in the world can’t hide the inner kid.
But still you try,
You polish your face, Till it shines,
You polish your brain, Till it smarts.
You polish your feelings, Till they numb.
But they don’t numb,
They brood under the surface
Waiting for that first crack
In the polish surface
Through which to seep.
And you know what?
Fucking let it,
Let your face be myriad of emotions
Your brain a jumble of nerves
You feelings an emotional conduit
Polish is overrated
And the wise eyes
Are wise cause they see
Behind every polished facade
Is a shit storm you can’t wait to meet.
There’s a room full of people
But I am stuck on you.
And I get it.
I get how you feel now,
Like you’re sorry that you don’t care
But you don’t.
I watch you and I get mad
For not looking away
For still caring.
And I can’t hate you
Because I get it.
I get the feeling of wanting to care
But not caring, the same way.
Such a stupid game we play
Him stuck on me,
Me stuck on you,
You stuck on her
And she stuck on he.
None of us care
But I get it
And wonder for how much longer
Will I be stuck on you.
We are puzzle pieces
That don’t belong together
But I keep pushing
But I keep losing.
Of trying to put
A circle into a square?
That’s what it
Like I am on the
For trying to do this.
There’s no real reason
For me to keep you.
But it’s like my pride
Has made it
My world would be better
If I stop with you.
But I keep playing
I keep saying,
There is something.
When there is nothing.
You aren’t my puzzle piece.