0

In Your Arms

In your arms

There is quiet

From the buzzing

In my head.

From that part of me

Always moving.

Always trying to

Outrun, to forge ahead.

In your arms

There is a sigh

Of relief

Because it’s where

I rest my head

And breathe.

In your arms

There is a promise

Of comfort

Of sanctuary

Of acceptance.

And whenever

I am afraid

Of losing it all

I find myself

In your arms.

Advertisements
0

Senseless

I always wait till the last minute

Too blurt out how I feel

Wait till it’s too late

And I have, in my mind,

Irrevocably ruined everything.

Have built things so far

That they are ready to collapse

Into a heap of mess

That can’t be untangled.

For complicated creatures

We take simple things for granted

Weave thoughts of our own I

Till they have a life of their own

And we are caught up in it.

In us,

In problems we have made .

Even now when I know I am to blame

I refer to our collective

As if my faults are the faults of all I know.

Because the solidarity in mistakes

Is just as lonely

As the product of the situation

Which I have created

By not opening my mouth in the first place .

And now opening it all over the place

Spewing once sensical thoughts

As nonsense.

0

Isolation

Silence has a way of talking

It whispers through the walls

Of the mind and it burrows

Deep.

Like a gust of wind flowing,

Or a gale of wind threatening

To seep

All that come in it’s way.

Today the silence woke me

Middle of the night, I stared

At the ceiling while the silence

Spoke of all the things that fared.

I held my hands to my ears

To shut out the silence

Drumming in my mind.

I blew my breath in and out

To dispel what had me

In a bind.

I fought and yelled at the silence

A black hole swallowing

My protests until I gave in .

And in that moment

I realized

I had found an amazing thing.

The silent walls

They were singing

Were humming

A lullaby, a lovely melancholic tune.

And to that I listened

Until my eyes closed,

Silence now giving me a sleeping boon.

I closed my eyes,

And burrowed in my sheets as darkness

Took over and my muscles untensed,

And all that was left

Was sweet, sweet silence .

 

 

 

 

 

0

Kindness

Sometimes people just take

Advantage of kindness,

Thinking it’s weakness

Thinking that the fact I care

About your comfort is a

Weakness you must exploit.

I have no problem

You using me as a sounding board

Feeling better just

Because I gave you an inch

To breathe

When the ones closest to you

Were making you suffocate.

Don’t think for a moment

My kindness is a weakness

That I haven’t been calloused

By those who took advantage

Before you.

It took great pains for me to learn

To give humanity what it needs

Not what it wants,

So today’s kindness

Can be tomorrow’s ultimatum.

Either you or your self torture

Pick one .

Because one will get you my kindness

The other some precious time

Until I stop caring

Because you stopped caring

About yourself and

Taking advantage

Of me.

Wasting my time

For you

On someone else.

 

0

A Break

Sometimes I wish,

I wasn’t such a headache

To my mom.

That I was more dependent

On my dad.

That the world didn’t think

I was strong,

I can take it.

 

I can take it,

I can survive, but sometimes

I wish I would thrive,

And not react to what life

Throws at me .

But make life

Grow with me.

Equal partner.

 

But now I am

All reacting,

Instead of gleefully

Interacting

With my favorite parts

Of life.

 

I sit here and

I sometimes think,

Would life be easier

If I just blink?

Give up this staring contest

With things in my life

That bring me down.

 

Sometimes I wish I was

Someone else,

Then maybe life would say,

Today was hard on this girl,

Let’s give her a break for a day.

0

Still Filtered

Filter and control are marvelous things that can make you lost in your own mind like no other.

Introspection on what I have thus far written has recently made me realize how filtered all my writings are, how fluffy. Even in madness, I need to find a beauty, a rhyme, a metaphor that makes all the ugly go away and only touches the monstrous rearing head of those negative feelings that lie beneath the surface.  An old friend once told me you’re too controlled, your writing is like you: beautiful, witty but guarded-avoiding what really bugs you, afraid to let people know the side of you that’s not always sunshine and roses, to let them see there’s a human behind the smiling imp. A human that feels things probably more than most.  I didn’t understand him then but now I do. Life IS gritty and while we can control emotions we can’t control our situations or avoid them forever.

And sometimes we can’t control our situations OR our emotions. But it’s always a scary thing, trying to open up and feel, trying not to avoid, trying to let people know you feel so intensely because it takes away a power. A lonely power that eats at you, but a power nonetheless. Honestly, if anyone’s reading this, there is no end to this rant-no summation that ties my thoughts up in a nice bow- it’s an errant collection of thought accumulating to a bunch of sentences I write here. Mostly because right now my thoughts are all over the place, some metamorphosing as I write.

At this point, I don’t know how to go from here from fluffy to reality but acknowledgement is the first step right?